Archive | March 2012

I’m Ron Burgundy? Part Deux!

I AM IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION because the Anchorman sequel is finally happening!

In honor of the news, I hereby present the top 10 quotes form Anchorman that I have been using, repeatedly…in every day conversation, since 2004:

1. (It’s so damn hot…) Milk was a bad choice

2. Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island

3. Argh! I am in a pickle!

4. This burrito is delicious but it is filling…

5. You always know how to cut to the core of me Baxter; You’re so wise, you’re like a miniature Buddha covered in fur

6. Brian: They’ve done studies you know…60% of the time it works…every time. Ron: That doesn’t make sense

7. It’s instinct

8. I immediately regret this decision!

9. Oh, it’s a deep burn! Oh it’s so deep!

10. Brian: (It’s made with bits of real panther)…so you know its good. Ron: It stings the nostrils.

Special mention: “crotchal region” and “that’s how I roll”



Quick Spotlight On…DWTS

My interest in reality television is limited to Food Network and Travel Channel or the first season of a newly buzzed about show (I watched The Voice last year). So I have never really had occasion to watch Dancing with the Stars (except the first season of course). But this year, I have a vested interest in two people:

Being invested in Gavin DeGraw is already leading to stress. He was in the bottom two last night, barely missing elimination. This surprised me, given that Twitter exploded with surprise and I know he has fans out there and he hasn’t done horribly so far. Anyway, I hope he lives on to dance a few more weeks at least because I want the world to see what a great guy he is (and give him time to get a little more comfortable). I have seen Gavin in concert a number of times and he is very personable (like, riding up on a motorcycle as I waited to get into the park where he was playing) and very comfortable on stage. On DWTS his humor is still intact but he is missing the usual sexual magnetism he exudes on stage (a staple is his rendition of “Sexual Healing”). But he is a talented guy and I am glad he gets to showcase this to a large audience (and tour at the same time?! Insanity).

I am also rooting for Katherine Jenkins (who is hitting it outta the park) not only because she seems like a sweetheart but yes, because I know her from Doctor Who’s “A Christmas Carol” episode.

“A Little Kiss” for the season to come

Less time has past in the Mad Men world than the real world since we last got a new episode. But who cares now that the denizens of SCDP and their friends are now gracing our televisions again? After Matthew Weiner’s moratorium on premiere spoilers, we were presented with no large surprises; in fact, everything is as you would have guessed at the end of season four. Mad Men is the rare show where I honestly don’t care how much plot is moved in any particular episode. I’ve missed these people and just hanging out in their lives for two hours was good enough for me. And what better way to appreciate us fans than to stage an elaborate surprise party where (mostly) all of those characters are in attendance. Especially one where we can peel back all the layers of interaction utilizing four seasons of knowledge. At this point the road to the finale is paved with many surprises and twists but I have teased out a few points that I am going to continue to watch out for as the season progresses:

The unsettling nature of a changed Don: Like we glimpsed in “Tomorrowland,” Megan’s effect on Don has now officially changed him into a shiny new Draper 2.0. Like Peggy, I don’t like it. I don’t trust it to be permanent, and Don’s happiness is always ephemeral. I have spent seasons lamenting Don’s abusive emotional treatment of others, but his current personality has the potential of wrecking the stability of SCDP when it inevitably blows up, especially as the star employee (whose phone is ringing off the hook), he doesn’t care about work. The greater the happiness Don finds probably means the harder disappointment and dissatisfaction will come down on him later.

Joan and Lane: how natural they both seemed to be in conversation. Two deeply lonely people that find some respite together? More please. Actually more Lane in general, I love Jared Harris. The way in which Lane described the surprise party (“I saw his soul leave his body”) and the way it delighted Joan was one of the most purely lighthearted moments of the premiere. Mad Men has a tendency to shine the brightest when it micro-focuses on relationships (like in “The Suitcase”) so I hope that the odd, yet charismatic bond between Joan and Lane will be explored again in later episodes.

Pete, King of the Smirk (and the Pout): Bert is so irrelevant no one invites him to meetings; Roger’s only client, Lucky Strike, is no longer at the firm; and Don doesn’t care: enter Pete and Peggy, the hardest working members of the SCDP team. Pete is, overwhelmingly, aware of his contributions. But unlike in season one, Pete’s entitlement is justified: he has a large client base and maintains the stability of the firm. And his signature pout even has a place in a world where he tirelessly works while Don leaves early to get home to his wife. Yes, a pouting Pete is still irritating and he goes about trying to get what he wants in the most annoying way possible. And yet, Pete is the Don of yester-seasons: he looks dissatisfied with life, especially with his new home and Trudy in general, but is succeeding at work. When Megan criticizes SCDP employees for smirking rather than smiling, Pete is the main character guilty of this. Best smirk of the night? Pete, now relocated to Harry’s former office, self-satisfied with his own dirty trick on Roger (scheduling an insanely early, fake meeting in Staten Island for Roger to poach). The season seems primed to put Roger and Pete in a cycle of one-upmanship and I am not sure where it leads, but right now I would not be surprised if only one is left standing. And if the firm is smart, it will be Pete.

Accountability for Mistakes: The season opens with Young and Rubicam committing a pretty extreme faux pas by dumping water on the protesters beneath their building. As a joke, Roger (clearly not thinking about consequences) posts an ad for SCDP, claiming it an equal opportunity employer. This little twist of the knife to Y&R leads to two unintended consequences: Joan’s concerns over her job being replaced and, more importantly, the civil rights movement marching right into the lobby of SCDP. Loads of men and women show up with résumés, ready to be interviewed. This little misunderstanding has no easy fix:  hiring an African American is not the main issue; the fact is SCDP has no budget to do any sort of hiring. However there is no way to side step the implications of turning away the applicants, and risk a reporter pouncing on the story. The only immediate solution was to dismiss the men (awkwardly) and collect resumes, with the potential solution of firing a secretary in favor of a new hire. I am curious to see in what direction the show goes with this: will SCDP actually hire a black secretary? For whose office? And where will she sit? What treatment will she receive? Will this little mistake be a boon for the firm or lead to controversy in the press? And on the macro-level, how many little errors in judgment (like the one Roger made in printing the ad) will lead to repercussions for the characters? The personal worlds of our characters are built on a foundation of secrets. Each person should be held accountable for something they have buried. Maybe this season we will see more immediate repercussions for hasty decision-making. Another ultimate accountability? Roger fathering Joan’s baby.

Roger: I think one of the most exciting things about this season will be the next evolutionary step in the life of Roger Sterling. Without Lucky Strike his position at SCDP is precarious and he is well aware of his predicament. Pete is outshining him at every turn and has a valid reason for wanting Roger’s office. But when Roger gives Pete a concession without the ultimate one (his office) by having Harry trade down and switch offices, he proves that the fight is not over: he can still play the game even if he has no cards.  Similarly, while it is true that showing up to Pete’s meetings (where Roger is a more effective man’s man charmer) is harmless in the long run, these are the actions of an increasingly desperate man. What will his next steps be to ensure his viability? And should he care this much? New battle lines are being drawn at SCDP and Don is MIA.

How to be a Fancyman

Nick is really rivaling my love for Schmidt quotes these days. He was clearly the MVP in last night’s “Fancyman, Part 1”:

  • “A kitchen island? Be a man! Let your counter attach to itself.”
  • “I want to sit at that desk and veto a law. When I put my hand on this desk, I feel sexually proficient for the first time in my life.”
  • “It feels really good in my hand. Is it possible to be sexually attracted to an object?”
  • My FAVORITE of the night (whispered, to a wooden mallard): “I want to kill you…because I respect you…(beat) I think I understand hunting!”

The many smells of the Fancyman:

  • “Do you smell that? It smells like leather and Teddy Roosevelt and wistfulness.”
  • “I don’t know why I put [the sweater] on. I just came in here and it smelled like Shakespeare — if Shakespeare were a damn cowboy — and a hawk’s nest and boat fuel and cigars and bourbon. Man stuff!”
  • “He smells like strong coffee and going to see a man about a horse.”

Role playing with…the desk:

  • “I’m President Miller, you’re all fired! Bring our boys home.”
  • “You want to come in here and charge me a billion dollars? That’s nothing to me!”
  • “You’re off the streets… I don’t want to either, you’re the best cop I got!”
  • “It’s President Miller, of Earth. I’d like to speak to the Galactic Emperor, please. Yeah it’s about money.”
  • “I’m going to push a piece of paper across the desk that I’ve written a little number on…. Why don’t I just tell you? It’s $5 kabillion. What do you say? Is China mine, Mr. Ying?”

Doctor Who and Dealing with Change Anxiety

Behold! The Doctor's new companion...

Being a Whovian is quite the novel experience. And it presents a whole different set of anxieties than your typical television cliffhanger might during a hiatus. I bring this up now because the impending exits of Karen Gillan and Arthur Darvill (and the sooner than we know it exit of Matt Smith) has left me with a new version of Who anxiety, much more excruciating than what I have experienced in my past viewership.

I started watching the rebooted series in December 2010 and the ability to go straight through to “A Christmas Carol” allowed me to process a lot of things, really quickly. (Granted, because I am a crazy person I also insisted on watching Torchwood in the time it would have aired between DW seasons, so sometimes I did have a break from the Doctor). Because of the quick succession of watching, I had to go through the stages of grief between Doctors and companions at warp speed (mainly denial, anger, and bargaining all at once). A brief history:

Toward the end of the first series I started to despair knowing that it was Christopher Eccleston’s only season. Going into the last episodes I continually asked no one in particular “Why…whyyyyy did he have to go? What’s with this next guy and why is he so popular?” At least I had Rose as my proxy on the show, feeling the same confused emotions as the Doctor regenerated. I steeled myself and started “The Christmas Invasion.” And I can point to the exact moment that David Tennant won me over: his humor attempted to convert me throughout the episode but I begrudgingly resisted, until he busted out a quote from The Lion King; I was sold.

Sure, I felt like my heart was ripped from my body at the conclusion of series two, but at least I still had Ten. Without any other companions having the tenure of Rose (aka Martha and Donna, miscellaneous friends from the Specials) the transition of companions became less painful. I instinctively knew that David leaving would most likely kill me, and before I got to “The End of Time,” I indulged in a New Year’s Day marathon on BBC America to “check out” this Matt Smith guy.

It was like culture shock. The title sequence and the logo were different. The theme music, changed. My first impressions of Eleven? Weird. I found myself leaning over to my friend and explaining, “this is weird, he wouldn’t normally do this.” (Although justifying what a time and space traveling alien does or doesn’t do to an uninitiated friend was probably fruitless). This commentary arose from “The Lodger” where the Doctor is portrayed as being completely clueless to a lot of common human behavior. I continually said, “This doesn’t make sense! The Doctor is never this obviously…alien.” But somewhere, deep down in the recesses of my brain, I found this glossy new, extremely alien Doctor intriguing, and not as scary as I pictured a post-Tennant world. Unfortunately I can’t pinpoint when I accepted Matt Smith. He was like a slow poison that infected my heart without my realizing it. As I rewatched the seasons with my roommate, I began to anticipate getting to Eleven because I missed him; I missed the quirkiness, the sudden emotional bursts, his awkwardness. And I easily embraced Rory and Amy, or so it seems now. I think that it helped fifth season started with a new Doctor and new companions.

And this is the climate I have been in for over a solid year. But now, with the casting of Jenna-Louise Coleman, the end of the Amy-Rory regime is palpable. And agonizing. The inevitability is made all the worse by the wait, and the knowledge of when it will occur. It isn’t that I want to stop watching until enough episodes build up to where I can speed through the transition; just that this is the first time in my Doctor Who career that I have experienced the full-on wait for change. Someone on Facebook commented that the cycle is “hating the change, getting used to the change, and being sad when the change changes” and I think that is an apt description of the life of a Doctor Who fan. And if a TV show can make you feel this much trepidation and anticipation during its very long hiatus, then it is doing something right.

Five Ewan-tastic Films

Rotten Tomatoes asked Ewan to choose 5 of his favorite movies. Granted, I thought I was clicking on the website’s list of their favorite Ewan McGregor films, but Ewan’s list was by far more interesting. Never has anything truer been uttered by a human being: “But you should make sure that it’s five of my favorite films,” he qualifies, “and not my top five films. It’s definitely not my all-time favorite films, ’cause then I would have to sit down and think about it more clearly.” YES. How can anyone ask this question? Especially if one is a movie buff? Being asked for your favorite film must always come with some sort of qualifier.

In solidarity, I decided to make a quick list of some of my favorite Ewan McGregor movies. Rotten Tomatoes set the rules at 5 so I will stick with that. Before deciding, I can guarantee they won’t all be the most award-worthy candidates and I can certainly confirm that these aren’t my only favorites. After spending over half my life dedicated to following this guy’s career (I mean, Episode I came out when I was in 5th grade), I have seen a lot of his films and most of them occupy the bit of my heart dedicated to my love for movies.

Moulin Rouge!

If Episode I was the equivalent of my gateway drug to Ewan McGregor, then Moulin Rouge led to my full-blown addiction. Being, like I said, a 5th grader when I was introduced to the padawan version of Obi-Wan, I was not very well-versed in the idea of seeking out further Ewan films. (Probably a good thing that got tabled until a few years later…). I was obsessed with young Obi-Wan but for the next few years my Ewan interaction was contained to me exclaiming his name whenever I saw the preview for Night Watch on my Scream VHS. But then Moulin Rouge was released to rent and I saw Ewan McGregor staring back at me on the cover at Blockbuster. That set it off.  I was ready to fully acknowledge the potential Ewan fan within myself. And what can I really say about Moulin Rouge? Great soundtrack, funny, and very watchable years later.

A Life Less Ordinary

My continued interest in Ewan was furthered by my discovery of this gem in the $5 VHS section in Suncoast. I think it’s great. Sometimes you just want a movie to surprise you, ya know? The plot of this one is actually insane, in the kind of way that you have never seen anything like it before. And the whole plot stems from angels that need to ensure at all costs that Ewan’s character and Cameron Diaz’s character find true love. And the means by which this is achieved makes everyone go off the deep end. As I tended to do in middle school, I watched and quoted this movie ad nauseum. Luckily I found a fellow Ewan fan in 7th grade to join me on the journey that is Ewan’s filmography…which we were very unprepared for.  However deep down the rabbit hole we ended up going, A Life Less Ordinary was a main stay of my get-togethers.


As I have gotten older, this movie continues to increase in its emotional impact. Not only was it an education in heroin, it was a great showcase for some of Scotland’s best exports to date. Kevin McKidd, Ewen Bremner, Robert Carlyle, and (okay non-Scot) Jonny Lee Miller all join Ewan in spiraling down into addiction. Deeply depressing yet oddly joyful, I find something new to take away every time I watch (because this isn’t exactly the kind of movie I sit down and watch a lot). And man, what a soundtrack! (Just realized I have 4 out of 5 soundtracks on this list). Bitter memory: in junior year of high school in my English class, somehow Trainspotting was brought up (not sure if I did or someone else) and the teacher was absolutely shocked that some of us had seen it. Like, almost outraged (and he was a fairly young guy). Now I don’t know what kind of world this guy grew up in or what his feelings are about the film but at that point I had been watching it since 7th grade. Odd to remember; I am still annoyed at that guy.

Velvet Goldmine


This movie has everything: Ewan’s version of Iggy Pop, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers’ take on David Bowie, Christian Bale living the dream of every fanboy, and a brilliant soundtrack. This is the Stefon of movies. It also features a performance by Ewan early in the movie that…”glitters” in one’s memory, especially at an impressionable age. It also involves faked death, aliens, and shock therapy so…there’s that.


The only recent Ewan movie to make the list, Beginners affected me on multiple levels. Whereas my older choices clearly hold a special place in my heart, Beginners is a movie that wouldn’t have resonated with me when I was twelve. Luckily it came out during a time in my life where I can relate to the themes, especially in places so nuanced, and yet I saw pieces of my own life depicted on the screen. Christopher Plummer got the credit, and the Oscar, but Ewan is also at his best here.

List takeaway? If I like the movie, I own the soundtrack (maybe later, Beginners). Also, I can’t stay away from Ewan’s (usually) dulcet voice: Moulin Rouge, A Life Less Ordinary, Trainspotting, Velvet Goldmine.

Vampires in Wartime: It’s a bloody free for all!

The good news, Henry, is that I didn't let you die...

Television shows with entrenched vampire themes and characters seem to be carving out another element to the vampire myth: their relationship to wartime. The spoils of war attract vampires (and by spoils I mean ample amounts of fresh blood) and in turn, the vampires find the situation to be the perfect opportunity to become a maker. These shows probably use wartime because it is a distinct moment in history to solidify in the use of a flashback. When it came to selecting a human to turn in the past, it was strictly “fancy someone, make them a vampire” but as our vampires get more complex in their emotions, so do their reasons for becoming a “maker.” In other words, I am simplifying a number of intricate character motivations and storylines as well as glossing over differences in accepted vampire conventions to compare these shows. However, in the end the turning of a person in wartime usually still boils down to “I fancy you” but the setting allows the vamp to visually see the prowess and strength of their victims before they are turned.

...the bad news's time to try out your chompers!

My realization of this trope came after last night’s Being Human (U.S.), where we flashback to the point in which Aidan turned Henry. We already know as an audience that Aidan was turned during the American Revolution. In “When I Think About You I Shred Myself,” we see Aidan wounded in another war, World War I, where he encounters Henry, an unproven, cowardly war doctor. A French soldier (rightly) accuses Aidan of being a vampire but accidentally, mortally wounds Henry as he attempts to stake Aidan. For one reason or another, Aidan decides to turn the doctor that helped him out (especially when the poor guy pleads with him to not let him die), while savaging the rest of the men. Furthermore, Aidan has mentioned his involvement in the Civil War, where he went to feast, especially during the Battle of Antietam. In this way, the show has repeatedly shown Aidan in wartime, both at his rebirth as a vampire and subsequently. Similarly, in Being Human’s original U.K incarnation, the vampire Mitchell was turned as a soldier in World War I.

Before Bill took the shortcut home from war...

This saga reminds me of the origin stories of both Bill and Eric as they are represented in their television forms on True Blood. Bill (born 1840) was turned by Lorena in 1865 as he attempted to make his way home after the Civil War. Lorena had been using her remote house to lure in lost or tired soldiers for a quick meal. However, her desire for Bill (and his denial of her advances) encouraged her to actually turn him, rather than just feed on him. In Bill’s case, it was confusion after the conclusion of war that Lorena preyed on. In Eric’s case, Godric witnesses his strength on the battlefield during his human life as a Viking. Impressed, Godric massacres Eric’s men but offers a wounded Eric “life” by becoming a vampire.

Godric pays a visit to Eric

Not to be ignored, The Vampire Diaries also uses the Civil War setting for the human deaths of the Salvatore brothers. In 1864, both of them were turned after their father “killed”t them because Damon and Stefan had Katherine’s blood in their systems. On a purely interesting note: both Bill Compton and Damon Salvatore were born in 1840; Bill was turned one year later Damon but it is funny to note how extremely obvious it is that Stephen Moyer is not just one year older than Ian Somerhalder in appearance. This case differs in that they did not meet Katherine on the battlefield. However, Damon can perhaps thank the war nonetheless for his undead status: he defected from the Confederate Army to return home right before all hell broke loose.

Red Riding and Robin

“Red-Handed,” the cleverly crafted 15th episode of Once Upon a Time, was written by Jane Espenson and proves how the show could be so much more if only her fellow writers could heed her style and irony. I am the first to admit that on a good night I pay about 80% attention to OUAT, and most episodes I pay about 50-60%. This usually means that halfway through an episode I grow very concerned with what I missed when I inevitably get distracted. However, the beginning of this episode had me hooked with the appearance of Red’s gentleman caller at her window. If she said his name at the outset, I missed it. But I took one look at this guy and the arrows slung across his back (or what appeared to be arrows) and I thought…oh! Maybe he is Robin Hood. And then my brain did a double take, Robin Hood AND Red Riding Hood? IT MAKES SENSE. And before I could rear my thoughts in, they were racing down speculation lane. I just knew some crazy twist or explanation for why their names are connected would come out: she wears the hood and incorporates it into her name to match her beloved, they become a tag team in Sherwood Forest because she runs away with him (after the wolf savages her grandmother) in order to help the poor by stealing from the Queen. I didn’t know how it would shake out but I was ready. Then…wait…this guy’s name is…Peter? Still, I thought it was in the realm of possibility: you know, maybe Robin Hood becomes his pseudonym…but as the episode dragged on, I started to lose hope and figured Peter was just the village cutie. Then, the whole Red-savagely-tore-him-to-pieces-cuz-she-is-the-wolf thing completely signaled the death knell for my theory. Jane was apparently working on a kick-ass twist to the traditional story of Red and was less focused on the connection between two names.

As long as the show piques my curiosity in this way, (and demonstrates its occasional flash of brilliance) I will continue to watch. And if “Peter” is an allusion to Peter and the Wolf, then OUAT’s version of the story ended on a much more grim note than the children’s story. And that story came from the USSR.

On the Occasion of Buffy’s 15th Anniversary: “Then there’s that period of estrangement where I think we were both growing as people…”

No, it doesn’t stop. It never stops. Do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is? How dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or, god, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again.

-Becoming, Part II

The origins of my television fandom may lay in The X-Files, but the show that I owe the most to is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I am lucky to have been at a very pivotal age when Buffy came into my life (granted when I started watching it was the end of its third season) and as a result, the show played a major part in shaping out the entirety of my teen years. And because of its special place in my heart, a reflection, on the 15th anniversary of its premiere date.

Can everyone pinpoint a year in their life where they radically changed? For me it was the end of 1998 to beginning of 1999 (okay, a year that stretched into another). It was like I finally decided to really watch television, to pick out my musical tastes and order CDs, and to come out of my shell as a person. Of course the CDs I asked my mom to order (remember getting CDs in the mail…remember CDs? gross) were Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, etc. but hey, I was on top of ’90s pop culture. But magically that year I sat down and Buffy the Vampire Slayer was on. The episode? Band Candy. And if there were any other reasons for my instant fascination I have long since forgotten. That Christmas a barrage of presents helped me to get on top of my obsession: select episodes from season one and eventually season two were being released on VHS (ack!) and I got to see the beginnings of my new favorite show, while sitting on my Jurassic Park bean bag chair. What episodes I hadn’t seen (before the show finally went into syndication on FX and my world was a better place) I meticulously memorized facts about, using guidebooks and my Buffy trivia book. And this this was my life:

Buffy merchandise any and all, had to be owned by me. Figurines, guidebooks, scripts, jewelry (plus a claddagh ring like Buffy’s that I still wear to this day), soundtracks, trading cards, watches, posters, keychains etc. I read a Buffy standalone novel in which I really liked the plot; I wrote a fan letter to the Powers that Be and was rewarded with a signed postcard from the cast. To this day I am obsessed with this line of jewelry that Claire’s used to carry in their stores; throughout the years I have lost some pieces and others have broken, but there is no trace of these items on fansites/ebay/anything which depresses me.

I did not stop with the merchandise. I modeled my hair (with style and yes, Sun-In), my fashion, and my general personality after Buffy. I started to wear a lot of crosses (which in retrospect probably gave my teachers the wrong impression). And surprisingly, Buffy made me a lot cooler than I used to be, I think, because it gave me a level of confidence that I didn’t possess in the past. It also involved me adopting a general Joss Whedon/Jane Espenson fueled brand of vocabulary and speaking. And since Buffy was only my gateway, other movies and television shows provided me with more influences and characters to adapt into my life.

It might sound scary that my life has literally developed around a television show, but I can only be thankful. Without Buffy, I can honestly say that I would not be the person I am today nor have the same circle of friends. And I have to thank Joss Whedon for his vision and his beliefs: to have created such a powerful, female character in a time where it was so urgently needed. And yet, we still need more of them. It would be fitting to say that while Buffy was my role model in my formative years, I have found an adult one in Joss. Just like him I want to not only entertain, but also create change in our society. And hell, if he can do that with a show about teen angst and vampire slaying, then the future seems pretty bright.

Happy 15th Anniversary, Buffy and Joss. For these 15 years the world has been a better place for girls like me and the teenagers in us all.

Nick Miller, Nick Miller: illest of the ill

Ignoring the fact that this episode (“Injury”) aired out of order (pre-Julia, pre-Schmidt and CeCe hook-up, hell even pre-our abrupt introduction to Jess’ friend Sadie), everything came together perfectly as the group dealt with Nick’s potential health crisis. Naturally it coalesced at the bar, after many drinks, when singing became the best way to celebrate the (lack of?) life of Nick Miller. Best thing ever: their drunken song, which begins with Schmidt rapping:

Nick Miller, Nick Miller
From the streets of Chicago
‘Cause players play
Like they do, like they did
‘Cause the baller’s ball
In the hood
‘Cause he’s Chi-town, hustle
As the people of Chicago
Represent him
‘Cause the players don’t play
And the player’s in the city

And continues…

Nick: Nick Miller, Nick Miller / He’s a stone-cold killer / Likes the taste of vanilla
CeCe: Nick Miller, Nick Miller / He’s the illest of the ill / He pours 100 drinks / And none have ever spilled
Winston: Plus he’s super-high / On a bunch of pain pills
Schmidt: His favorite movie is The Big Chill
CeCe: He’s got a hairy chest / ‘Cause he eats a balanced meal
Schmidt: Kick the mad flavor in his ear! ‘Cause the ice in my glass represents the tears from my eyes. I love you, dawg! Nick Miller, Nick Miller / Yo, streets of Chicago / Rough and tumble love / You my heart!

Jess sort of kills the mood with: Nick Miller, Nick Miller, never does anything

Gotta say though, for once my favorite line of the night came from Nick and not Schmidt. Shocker, I know.

Nick: I have done things…I wrote half a book about zombies.