Jess Wants Paul: Big Time!
Schmidt: I don’t want you touching anything, and I don’t want to hear, ‘Schmidt, Schmidt! You’re using too much tarragon’ because I’m not.
Schmidt: My Lasik’d eye is freaking out!
Jess: I want to sleep with him! Big time! … I want to take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay? … I want to do it standing up and sitting down and half up and half down, the Wiggly One and the Bear Attack and the claws and the head stuff that the figure skaters do and the Woods for Lunch and the ‘Give Me That Hat!’…
Schmidt: I’ve done ‘Give Me That Hat.’ Only for me it was like, ‘here take my hat,’ do ya know what I mean?
Jess: What are the most sexy holidays?
Schmidt: The most sexy holidays are Fourth of July, uh… Independence Day obviously, Women’s History Month, and Christmas.
—Happy Slapsgiving…I mean, Hank Sgiving…or Dudesgiving? Thanksgiving is the new P. Diddy/Diddy/Sean Combs (I don’t know what it is now).